We recently interviewed men about their sexual healing experience. Here is what they say (summarized in bullet points):

“What I wish I would have known earlier”:

  • I had to retrain my mind away from the way I was raised.
  • Unlike sports, scoring is not the goal!
  • That help was available for our problem, and my wife would join me in the quest.
  • It’s not uncommon for a wife to have never experienced (or sought) arousal because of her upbringing.

 

“What I wish I would have done earlier”:

  • In our case we had: met with a gynecologist 10 years into our marriage, attended marriage retreats, counseled with our pastor and his wife, confessed our pre marriage sin, prayed deliverance to break bondages and healing.  But until we received professional counsel the problem remained.
  • Sought specific help.

 

“What I wish for other men and their sexuality”:

  • Two phrases can really impact your relationship if you understand and adopt them into your relationship: 1) less is more, and 2)it’s counter intuitive to most men!

 

“What I was surprised to find out about my wife”:

  • All my effort to change my wife through: prayer, conversation, reading and pleading were to no avail.  She needed a safe environment, which I never provided.
  • My wife felt pressured by my efforts to improve our sexual relationship.
  • That pressure caused her to see herself as a failure.
  • Even though I was caring, thoughtful, romantic, read the books, attended seminars, I was the one that needed to change first.

 

“What I would like other men to know about seeking treatment”:

  • [one man shared] We waited 43 years into our marriage to truly seek professional help, and in 4 months we got our breakthrough.  Don’t wait!
  • It’s “the safety of the process” that is necessary to create an environment for change to occur.
  • Marital intimacy is counter intuitive for most men.

 

“What I am currently applying from my learning experience”:

  • I have eliminated: demands, manipulation, and innuendos.
  • Monday I initiate, Friday my wife does.
  • Anything that would make my wife feel like a failure.
  • We have a time each (most) mornings to read devotionals together.

 

“How working on my issues has changed me as a man”:

  • I am now much more understanding that pleasurable touch without the demand for physical intimacy is the way to a wife’s heart.
  • Following her lead is not defeat but key to success.